There are times in life when even before you try, the odds are so insurmountable that you know you are going to fail. And yet you are unwilling to just let it go. And so you give it a shot anyway. Only to make yourself more depressed after that because you were right, that nothing you did could possibly have helped you to succeed. You know you are good, maybe even above average, but that you are never going to be the crème de la crème. It dosen't help that your college life is filled with examples of such gifted people, and that you are so close yet so far. The feeling of defeat, of being never good enough for what you are trying to reach out for. Perhaps that's how we strive for the better, but sometimes, it can get pretty tiring. And you know there is no point being bitter about it because that's just the way life is, and that someone is always going to be greater, more brilliant and much more accomplished than you are ever going to be. It dosen't help that I am not easily contented. I sometimes look with envy on friends who can live their lives accordingly, for the moment and can make the best of whatever life throws at them. These people are much more happier the way they chose to lead their lives. Not that they are complacent, but that they are generally people who are very grounded to their lives. I used to view these people with contempt, because they seemed to me people who have no goals or targets for their futures. But lately I've realized that there is a simple value in choosing to live for the moment. You stop regretting your past and do not fret too much about your future. The feeling of being 'que sera sera' in life.
So yes, I should stop living in the future so much. I did lived in the present when I was in Mizzou and Nepal. Perhaps that's why I'm always running away to another spot in the world, because I know that my time there will be limited and I should cherish what little time I have there. Whereas here, I'm always thinking that I could be somewhere better and done something better, especially when I know that I could be so much closer to achieving success if only I had that foot in the door.
I'm facing alot of mental inertia at the moment and I'm living my life recently filled with "if onlys" and "what ifs".
2 comments:
indeed, i really envy those who live for the moment. it comes so naturally to them, like a way of life. yet to me, it's like a skill to cope with what life has to offer.
Living for the moment is good, but sometimes living from one moment to the next means there's little to keep. Enjoy it while it lasts, and don't cry when it's over.
Looking back I think I can count on one hand the number of people who are actually waiting for me to come home. I guess my problem is that I don't fight for things to stay as I always think they're fleeting anyway, so people don't fight for me to stay either. You get what you give.
So anyway everything has its pros and cons. And honestly we'll never be "good enough" cos there's always someone out there who's much better. But I guess if we can't be good enough for others, we can still be the best of ourselves.
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